god'swife24 Jun 2004

I enjoyed this poem. It's entertaining, funny and sweet. you've structured it perfectly. 10.

Now, a few things you might find helpful

I.

you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)

II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.

III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.

IV.
Perfect in every way.

Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.