hammer6 Sep 2004

'moments of pregnant opportunity/back into reality,/ seeding it with new possibility' Is juvenile. The words are clearly there to force rhyme. Noeone going for precision would possibly pick such vague words as reality, possibility and opportunity. It is just too trite, you are trying to make huge generalisation out of nothing.

Romp is also a clear forced rhyme for swamp.

'and death was born,/ while pain and love/ were only shadows in the dawn.' tries to be TS Eliot but sounds more like fred elliot. Again imprecise and hence meaningless.

'of those who have no goals,/and pay each day anew the cost,/ for this and senseless dreams.' again vague sweeping generalisations. This pattern seem to repeat itself through your poem like a rhyme.