Shuushin3 Jan 2005

There is quite a bit there. I'd like to see some stanza breaks.

And as one example, you tell me "my old feeble body" - I rather get that from the rest, or should.

Telling me the same thing several times in standard ways, is not nearly as effective as telling me once - but in a memorable way.

Having said that, I think this is a notch or so above average; some good vocab. It could pretty easily be more - might even be a two or more poems in here.