Shuushin19 Jan 2005

what kind of flower?
what makes it appealing?

why "a few" - loose that.

this tendency to put a descriptor to actions that you've already described (or should by other means) is distracting. Like "hasty" and "Heedlessly".

and there's something unsettling about the real-time nature of this - the play-by-play, yet you put "yet unaware [that you trampled over the living]" - that retrospective though process pulls the reader right out of the moment. And really, the action speaks for itself, or could better do so.

I think you could make this moment with the little twist (pluck) ending a fairly nice piece with just a little attention to the types of things I just said.

Not that I have an advanced degree from an accredited poetry school or anything.