Shuushin1 Feb 2005

2 triolets, almost - why you mess with formula, boy? Do you feel that repeating the frame of the first line in the first line of the second stanza makes up for the change in the second to last line of the first? I might go for that. Sure, why not - you're entitled to your opinion of what a triolet is. Absolutely.

I like the second half of that first stanza, starting from slip. Has a nice flow and sound to it. Except I missss the logic of thisss sssound she makesss over the fields, or why, or how this adds to the "trouble" of the day.

These commas - are you purposely trying to kill the flow? Espec. L3 in S2

Nice solid concept though with the early snow on an uncut field of hay. Makes sense. Then, right away, you talk more about hay. Hey.

"hay-smelling" ... very evocative, btw. Does that mean it "smells like hay"? That you miss the smell of hay? Or maybe you are anthropomorphising autumn by giving it a nose. How you must miss that nose.

This is the best thing you've ever written.