limonade30 Aug 2002

This is a delicious, intense metaphor. I feel, however, that it is not very well crafted. I couldn't hold on to the images in my head because of the way they run into one another. Think about how you would read this poem to the subject, and punctuate for maximum effect. I feel like I say this again and again to people, "Read your work aloud," but poetry really is an art of sound and it needs to be spoken or sung.