zodiac17 May 2005

Maybe I should rephrase: Two more important aspects FOR A RELATIONSHIP'S BEING "SUCCESSFUL" (that is, lasting a long time with neither partner killing himself or being more miserable than, say, he or she would be if he or she were an Aboriginal) are

1) some common understanding of the relationship's nature, formed early on, and
2) sexual compatibility.

There's no real point to having made the last bit into a numbered list, incidentally, except that it'll help me explain why.

1) Almost no successful relationship is based on a mutual exchange of emotional support. And almost no woman really expects to get emotional support out of a relationship. More than half of the relationships I know (my own, of course, excluded--see below) hinge on one partner's flinging emotional support at the other in some sick orgy of self-sacrifice, and the other knowing that's what's going on and being more-or-less cool with it. That's what I mean by a common understanding of the nature of the relationship: there's a kind of stability; both partners know one is the griping martyr and the other is useless and sitting around in his/her bathrobe at noon and not going out and getting a fucking job. To some extent, they both want it that way (cf. Crystal Lane Swift.) If it's not self-sacrifice it's something else and similar; for instance, my relationship/marriage is founded on this idea of perfect mutuality and distribution of work, decision-making, emotional support, and so on that my wife and I established in our first months together. Of course, I think something like our system is a lot better for a relationship than the martyr/lout setup, but I don't think it's a factor for a relationship being "successful". (At least, not as far as I've defined the word above. You've got a better definition? Fine, write it out. But it can't involve the phrase "emotional support"; that's a cause, not a result.)

2) Sexual compatibility doesn't mean what you think it means. It can mean something as Californian as one or both partners (nominally) agreeing to let the other fuck around with other people, and so on. Without some kind of common ground there, though, I don't care how great the emotional support is, it's not going to last.

And of course the bit about me 'killing the most important thing and replacing it with my desires' is bunk. I've already said like ten times on this page alone that I PROVIDE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT WHEN MY WIFE NEEDS IT AND HAVE IT PROVIDED WHEN I NEED IT. That is, I'm living the dream and you're just dreaming it; so lay off.