ecargo25 Jan 2006

Amanda D'Costa! You stick with the metaphor all the way through and obviously put time into the meter and rhyme scheme, and the story/voice is nice. Simple is good, but the endstopped rhymes are too basic (for me anyway). I like simple rhymes too, but if there isn't some interesting language/imagery for contrast, they usually fall flat.

A good example is Frost's most famous, "Nothing Gold Can Stay"--the rhymes are simple as can be, as is the meter (both of which absolutely fit the poem), but the language is so lyrical and fresh and the images so strong and original that the simple rhymes become part of the poem's strength).

Stretch a bit. You've obviously got the interest and willingness to think about what you write--now take it to the next step. Which poets do you like to read? What is it about their work that works for you? That's always a good place to start.