Ranger9 Feb 2006

What to say about this...well for one thing it's a prose poem. But that's not majorly important. The last 4 lines really want to go...this is a poetry site, after all, and they detract from the end of the story which showed promise. However, it didn't quite live up to the potential it showed; you need to bring out the emotions of the events. I recommend Caducus' work for learning how to write emotive poetry without sounding whiny. Other than that, spelling and grammar, the usual stuff.
As first posts go, it's better than many.