zodiac14 Feb 2006

If you haven't given it yet, here are my suggestions.

Except for the half rhyme you could stand to lose "in soft waters of", so do the next best thing: drop "of a cold boiling ocean". Or somehow combine the two.

"beneath the driving rain" is one instance where you can drop "the".

"tumbling" and "boiling" seem a little too easy and light for your cold ocean. I'd prefer edgier words. She might not.

And easy way to handle punctuation AND edge would be to simply say "I tumble through swarming bubbles."

I want to hear more about the air that isn't there. Is there time? It's a great hint of image/predicament/etc, anyway.

"A chill so, that it burns the illusion / of fire," - ??? That's a little grammar-weird. I can see why, but...

"In my bones, they know" - since it's you bones that know, it'd be best to clear that up: "My bones, they know", "In my bones, I know", "These old bones, they know" - something.

That's all. And again, I think you'll get laid whatever you do with it.