Dovina20 Feb 2006

My intent was to edit this, but I hit Delete by accident, thus losing all of the comments. It's an unpardonable sin, for which I wish there were recompense. Here are the comments, I think:

Drnick: This is good, but I think you could have done better. For instance, lines 6 and 7 could have been worded in a not-so-obvious sort of way (ie "I wanted her to understand, but let mercy be my tounge instead"). The 3rd stanza is awesome, I wouldn't change that at all. The 4th, however, seems as though you rushed through it. The 3rd line in there seems rushed and too vague of an analogy; give us an example of purple night-lights. The 5th line in the 5th stanza should say "bit" not "bite" but I think you could have found a better analogy for that as well. Everything else seems to be in place, you just need to comb out a few of the knots.

Ranger: 'She got to be her, and I didn't...'
You seem a bit annoyed at the moment!

Ecargo: The idea here is good, but some problems with execution, i.e., language/sense ("she bite like a dog," which I'm pretty sure is just a typo; "eyes fell sad, as if every meaning had"); cliches (lilt in voice, bounce in step); and troublesome metaphors (briars scratching at eardrums, etc.).

Thank you all for commenting. These comments were useful.