richa27 Feb 2006

Too many commas it makes your sentences long and rambling. I will use one example:

'One evening ‘midst the glory this entails,
just as the sun slipped through checkered rails
of distant trees whose awesome height curtails, 07

like troubled thoughts, the view that goes beyond
the local scenes of which we are so fond,
an owl approached and lighted on a frond.'

Firstly: '‘midst the glory this entails,' is redundant because you have not changed scene you are already there midst the glory.

Then 'whose awesome height curtails,like troubled thoughts, the view that goes beyond the local scenes of which we are so fond,' is utterly garbled.

What happens is the height of the trees curtail ('like troubled thoughts' is nonsense) the view. Full stop. Then you see the owl light on a frond through the rails of light full stop. Otherwise you have clauses all over the place.

Also reading your replies I sense you are rather pious. Each to his own and all but I don't think writing earnestly is entirely compatible with writing lines such as 'beard of obvious reknown' and using words such as 'awesome'.