LilMsLadyPoet2 Mar 2006

read the line and see if the rythm flows better, for you. (added 'the' and broke the format up to, uhmmmm... make it pause for effect. changed 'lifting' to 'lifted'...just some thoughts...feel free to reject them all:)
setting diamonds in the band
with ruby glinting to its right (nestled..?)
..............
Unlike most who gaze at stars
He stared not through the rosehip mist
But instead spent one night
Standing
Atlas, dreaming
of a burden lifted
........
A cockerel early risen, tense
Brings the news that night has gone
And once again
It cries _________(needs 2 syllable word)
The astronomer dies at dawn.

?...this gives the idea...listen to the RYTHM..

A cockerel early risen, tense
Brings the news that night has gone
And once again
It cries, henceforth (better at 4 syllables total!)
The astronomer dies at dawn. (dropping a syllable keeps you from having to rush the ending by forcing the syllables in.

You could use any number of words at 'it cries'> henceforth,the edict,an edict, bemoans, mourning, in mourning,warning, in warning, to warn,its warning, its notice, in decree...etc.
okay...that said...I'm glad if you can garner something from reading my stuff, but also realize everyone has to find there own internal rythm; and every piece has its own inner beat and melody.