Ranger17 Mar 2006

Hmm...potential, but it really needs changes (in my opinion). The ideas are nice but the word choices don't do it any sort of justice. Try using fewer pronouns (this is a pretty universal rule), particularly if you want the reader to 'relate'.
Also...think about rewriting this in the 3rd person - it gives you a lot more scope to be creative, to invent imagery and use metaphorical language. Which will earn you bonus points on here, trust me.
Keep working at it.