Niphredil30 Mar 2006

This is an interesting piece in that although the concept of stopping time is very common, you give a vivid and fascinating rendering of this which is definitely worth a read.

Critique: the repetition of "these hands" in S1 is redundant. Lose one, or replace with an alternative description. Also, "the arms" in line 5 contribute to repetitiveness. You don't want to bore the reader.

In addition, "these hands droop like stagnant breath"... the droopiness implies movement. I couldn't reconcile the drooping hands with the hands in a coma; they should be frozen stiff, not sag.

shuts-off - the hyphen not necessary.

My favorite bits were the 'complacent gown', and I really loved the last stanza. Good work!