god'swife19 Apr 2006

I should not secretly confess like this
Love with the lips, you always insisted
But then again, you prefer emotions to be audible

This is very diffucult to understand on first read. The lack of a period at the end of the first line you wrote along with the comma between -...lips, and you always insisted- confuses what your trying to communicate. There should be a period at the end of line 1(when I refer to line numbers I'm not counting the first quantrain). the first piece of information, that you shouldn't confess, ends there. What she says is related but it is a seperate image. Then you reconsider how 'she' might like your confession, but alas, you don't confess, in fact you become silent and then the next 3 words tell us you have wings and then they're wrapped around 'her'. I am not saying you can't display many images in a small quantity of words. What i am saying is that here, without periods, pauses or sustained images the reader is sopreoccupied with trying to follow your train of thought that they can't relate to the poem. A reader can only be moved by art that strikes a cord in them. If they haven't experienced what you're discribing, then your discription should make them feel that they can imagine what it must. Ultimately you're trying to convey human existence, not some fabulous display of words and images, all poets are born with the ability to do that. The craft of writing is the ability to take an insight or emotion and express it, not only with style, but above all, the writer must do it with all sincerity. Say only the things that help your point get across. Everything else must go.