god'swife20 Apr 2006

In my opinion this follows the 'obsession theme' very strongly. Don't worry about following or not following the poem that inspired you; this is your poem. Concentrate on what you want me to understand about this situation. Also I think at this point if you really want to understand the process of poerty writing you need to step away form the glossa format. There are no rules that say you can't write a free verse poem which begins with lines from another's poem that inspires you, or that you can't finish each stanza with one of those inspirational lines. That would elimate some of the stress from editing. If you are willing to give up the glossa idea for now and if you can commit yourself to working on this and nothing else intil it's good, I am willing to concentrate on helping you along the way for as long as it takes.

I should not secretly confess like this.

'This' is a pronoun which is used when the writer has already established what the pronoun 'this' is replacing. How am I suppose to know your saying you shouldn't confess in writing?
The verb 'writing', or any of its synonyms, is no where to be found. Why can't you say: I should not secretly confess in writing/on paper/with a letter/with my pen etc...? You can't use a pronoun when nowhere can be found the noun which the pronoun is substituting.

Love with the lips, you always insisted.

This line is completely understandable. Anyone reading it would come up with both the image of talking and/or of kissing/making love. That line needs no further work.

But then again you prefer emotions to be audible.

Again this line says nothing about the true meaning your trying to represent. there is nothing about her dislike of the strong and silent type. I could only come up with the images of her either wanting to make you wail from heartbreak or her sexually teasing you intil you screamed. And even then I was uncertain about my interpretation. Say what you mean. Conveying the information you want to communicate(in this case, that she doesn't like the silent type) is the first step you need to focus on.