god'swife21 Apr 2006

I want to make sure I've got this right; the theme of your poem is unrequited love, which is also the theme in Blueprint. Correct? When I asked how are the lines connected I didn't mean what THEME connects In Between Lovers to Blueprint. I meant that the actual lines used at the end of each stanza have no connection to the previous lines in the same stanza. In other words, you're not leading us to the last line of the stanza. Forget about Blueprint or connecting themes, just concentrate on your ideas and how you're going to make my lines your own by using them within the context of your story.

1) The scene is only visible after you decifer it for us. None of your metaphors have anything to do with each other. you have to stay with one metaphor for at least each stanza, and you have to use a metaphor that is plausible. what do the invisble wings represent? Love? Jealously? Obsession? then say:

A pair of invisible wings is my love/jealousy/obsession .....
or
My love/jealousy/obession is like a pair of invisible wings.
or
I wrap my love/jealousy/obsession around you;
a pair of invisible wings
to bear you up and keep you
far from pain.

You can't use painkiller as a metaphor for invisible wings and then say they take you to the arms of some foreign sun. Painkillers can't take you to the arms of a foreign sun. Invisible wings can but it's to late! You changed them into painkillers. Painkillers can take you to the arms of nirvana or to the arms of sleep; the arms of relief etc.... If you want the other guy to be a foreign sun then you have to keep the wings. If you wanted you could make her a comet/angel/Icarus or anything else that can make it to the sun. You make a mess of things when you keep changing the metaphors. If you want to introduce a new image you can try using a simile:

My invisible wings like death
take you away to the arms of a foreign sun.

Wings can carry you off to a foreign sun and death can carry you to either heaven or hell which can be represented as a foreign sun. All the metaphors and similes are related to each other. They make one cohesive image for the reader to build on.

You also start with a silent written confession but 'she' would rather you love with the lips i.e. with speech or kisses. But it could also be that she wants your emotions to be heard outloud.
How can you say but then again?

She doesn't like A she insists on B, but then again she prefers b. There's no logic.

I don't like waffles I insist on pancakes, but then again I prefer flapjacks. It looks to me like your trying to do to much to soon.

And as far as ordinary language and memorable poetry is oncerned Blueprint is completey written in common language.

Tonight - I - hate - your - hands - and - their - craft.
I - cannot - sleep - as - you - do
Pressed - against - the - cool - walls
Of - sudden - and - strange - houses.