Ranger11 May 2006

The last two stanzas are more effective than the first two. They put a solid picture down rather than more abstract pain and anger. I'd get rid of 'pent up anger', it's somewhat trite. If it were my poem, I'd put 'she sat/With something rising angrily through crimson slits', although even that's somewhat cliched. Similarly with the first line of stanza 2 - I get what you're saying (that physical pain is a more bearable distraction from emotional, I think) and it's phrased well. But I just don't really take anything from it. I do, however, think you should keep 'an evaporation...condenses on her body'. That line is excellent and says everything you want. Does that make any sense?