Ranger12 May 2006

'Our life after death', unless you're attempting a pun there, which even if you are is pretty tortured grammatically.

Be more inventive with your rhymes. If you look through any amount of poetry on the internet you will find every single rhyme in here used approximately a million times. Doing what's been done that much before is an instant turn-off for the reader. Check a rhyming dictionary if you're struggling for ideas.

General tip for anyone posting 4 poems in one go: leave some comments on other peoples' works, or you'll find very few people commenting on yours.