Ranger4 Sep 2006

7 out of 14 is damn good, particularly if you're rhyming as well. Really, I don't think you need wholesale changes in here - you keep a good continuity thread going (something I rarely manage) and whereas I usually dont like so much repetition, here it works well. Perhaps 'Let everything there is soon disappear' would be a good one to edit - one gorgeous line in every ten is normally sufficient to keep the reader going.