Ranger30 Sep 2006

Sure. Find a solid structure for this - it's a sonnet; read some Shakespeare for the metre. For instance, 'unique radiant' doesn't work together very well. That may be down to accent differences I suppose (you're in the States, right?) but I'd be surprised if it was. In that passage, the stresses go 'u-NIQUE RA-diant' whereas classical Shakesperean sonnets were mostly (if not all) iambic pentameter which has a da-DUM da-DUM beat. That's not to say that all the words have to be bisyllabic, you can end one word on a weak ('da') ending and start the next on a strong ('DUM'). You'll also find that constraining yourself to a set metre will also help you find new words to use, and hopefully from there, a bit more inventiveness. 'I write this ode to you' is a good bit of iambic metre, although obviously not pentameter.

Definitely get rid of 'love/above' though.