richa27 May 2007

It is more that you don't see anything wrong in phrasing such as 'bovine eyes look up from munching' and 'as alcohol so legs draw concentration' and 'rebuke arose'.

I find the suggestion about articles rather interesting so I have a couple of suggestions. On country road in mid-Virginia (no need for a) the cyclist pulls up another hill (the cyclist does not pull another hill). The use of the 'the' here (definite article) places the cyclist at the centre of the poem, he is not just a cyclist. Past the house with mammoth lawn. The use of 'the' here specifies that the house is a landmark rather than just any house with big lawn. Btw visual' input does not soothe tired eyes. Next verse 'the cows look up, again the cows are central to the poem and bovine eyes sounds wretched. Free from fence and milking sounds terribly clunky. What is wrong with she pants (UP) a lonely hill instead of lying in the shade. N.B. Anthropomorphism is dodgy at the best of times but even if we attribute thoughts to the cow why would it assume from seeing a human cycle up a hill that she was 'free from milking' and also from their perspective you are behind a fence too. Next how about the cows rebuked (it is a daft idea but each to their own) at least then we have specified who does the rebuking and who is being rebuked. I would say in the alcohol of afternoon then you have a metaphor for the weariness and blurriness. As it stands it reads that legs draw concentration like alcohol draws concentration