richa26 Sep 2007

The first image you are going for is I think light through the bars of a cage. OK I quite like the tattoo but the phrasing is imprecise. The bars do not drape they are passive in their interaction with the light. Next up the he and she, I think I can just about make out they are supposed to be birds if I read further but why obscure that we are dealing with birds in a cage (the cockerel simile confuses rather than elucidates without such important details). 'Beyond the cage, feeling godly,' is just pretentious Dovina and the poem works better jumping straight into I unhinge the cage. Likewise '“innocent” it says'. Likewise 'the light betrays'. And 'The door is left dangling limply'. Too much redundancy, it should read 'the door dangles limply' except doors don't dangle limply so it should really be replaced with something that makes sense. Overall though it needs tightening up so it more resembles a poem. All the 'he is already at the door' 'they travel through the room' 'I unhinge the door to evacuate her first' is just so damn prosaic.