anonymous11 May 2002

The first stanza in and of itself is well-crafted. Apart from line enjambment (which can sometimes be a tricky issue), I'd leave it alone.

I get halfway through the second stanza and I feel the run-on of the last sentence. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I find that it distracts me from what's being said. Try playing with it to break it up, sentence-wise. Other than that, it's a really nice piece.