poetandknowit1 Oct 2002

Okay lone shadow here it goes:

Line one is confusing: Falling past memories is an obscure image for reflection.
Line two: get rid of cherished. It is a trite word. Combined together you start out with something vague rather than concrete so the read has no footing to stand on.

Falling swiftly past memories
Of love I once thought she cherished
The long nights, holding her so close
feeling the rhythm of her heartbeat
as my love blankets her heart, keeping it safe
all this is sap.

From winter's frigid touch
here is the first decent line. Maybe start here and work from this.

Each kiss oh so gentle, yet full of passion
sap. a gentle kiss would automatically denote passion.

sapphire eyes (reflecting)
twilight,
this creates more of a sense of loss. It is an image working for you twofold. Looking into is telling us something we already know. If you know the color of the eyes, obviously you looked into them.

So much like a dream, like heaven made true
a double whammy of bad cliches.

Tears welling, wishing it didn't end
To see her smile, oh god her smile
comes off like a cheesy styx song.

Okay, I quit here.