scitz this could be quite good but you've got far too many words tumbling around in this sack. this needs a bit of meter to bounce the reader on through. smooth it out a bit, and it will be lovely.
(for help with meter, see:
http://www.uni.edu/english/craft/line&meter.html
and
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/general/gl_soundmeter.html