okay, i'll complement you on the last strophe--the idea of it anyway--but why not show me instead of telling me?
you know how, when you're at a family picnic, and your aunt corners you tell tell you one of her stories that goes on and on and on? well? USE SOME FRESH LANGUAGE, DAMN YOU! or you will be that aunt. even if you do have a penis.
see:
http://www.uni.edu/~gotera/CraftOfPoetry/imagery.html