god'swife18 Sep 2003

The 3rd stanza is very good. Great images, really. You need to finish the 1st line though, any what? Color? You've got to say something after 'any'. Also 'besides' in line two can be misconstrued, how about 'other than' or 'except' or 'if not for'? the last two lines need to be condensed, you've built a lovely flow of images here don't bog it down with an excess of words.

Tarnished as all skin turned
Angry as every dream falls empty and burns.


In the last stanza you only need say "Wrong to believe" once at the beginning and then you can go down each line beginning with
The Sun
Anything
I shouldn't

The word 'that' is completely unnecessary and ugly. Do you see?