Goad24 Jan 2004

Wow. Wonderful. So well-crafted. Beautiful images.

I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image.

It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant.

This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"?

In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother?

"His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day???

"loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean.

SO good...