andrewjthomas26 Jan 2004

first stanza: its instead of it's
i really dislike the entire second stanza, it feels very cliche compared to the rest of the piece
third stanza: barren feels too dramatic
i thought of this as a potential replacement when i read that line:

Leaving my horizon undone.

which leads nicely into the next stanza with the sun setting
also, nice refrain at the end