zodiac5 Feb 2004

You HAVE been reading Heaney! This is good. I don't mean it's good because it's Heaney or vice versa. It stands by itself, carries off the influence well, and has some memorable images. My one quibble: I would add something to "the sky touches the brim of my hat" to make the diction a little alien or arresting, so people don't gloss over it, which is what I see happening. As cheesy as it sounds, if you said something like "the sky touches on the brim of my hat" or perhaps even 'to', I think it would work. If you wonder about the 9, it's cause I don't think there's the density of idea and imagery here that you have in some of your others. That's a quibble and a personal thing, but as Shuushin would say, at least I didn't give you a zero.