Shuushin25 Mar 2004

Something about the cadence of this:

"In a mass choking under the weight of
So much life,
So much indecent need for
A place to hang a hat
And eat a meal
By a fireplace with a gorgeous wife
And two lovely daughters."

that works quite well; the line breaks together with the prep phrases - usually I hate that.

somehow works here, in that part at least.

I'd like to see that last stanza reworded so "golden" doesn't sound like a cheap modifier, as if you said "oh, I have to put an adjective here"

-a candlestick of brass/gold
-a reflection in candlestick gold
-a slice of cheddar cheese

(usw)