Shuushin
on At least while you're gone, things get done. by Bachus
3 Nov 2003, 2:09 PM
LoL, Bachus (baba/jeremi/horus/shardik) - not too bad!
I get a kick out of the Mon- /-day line
why not just end it with "[something something ...sun"? then you can stretch the charlie horse line with something (you can do it).
On second thought - keep it, it adds something. Extra points for formed verse.
You (titan69) certainly show more commitment than the wrighter. At least to that persons poem. Consider posting one of your own?
"and now, a cunt solo." Maybe we should start renaming the current instruments.
you get a ten for the Corey Feldman alone.
That longest second stanza is interesting but needs reworking, the rest should be thrown-out. Stick to the middle bit.
This would be ok if you made things clearer. for example, 'diamonds dangling...' what's that symbolize? Also the last two lines, what does that mean?
Very nice - Dennis Leary would be proud, you HWMF.
Kill Bill roxors.
wonderful images, lovingly applied language - I am critless.
yanks and bedlam in one poem; an interesting coincidence.
i think loose "-the city" and put a suitable modifier on "compost" (like "urban" or sumfin').
other than that, and the contradiction between being eager to offend and pursuing a hindu or buddhist way - not to shabby.
Massive points for the flowing "home-made mandala
Wallpaper"
Very good counter point to mine. It took me a couple of reads. You have a way with words! Except them there things found in the box? Not that the words are excepted, just perplexing. 24.3786
Mmm. tangible wistfulness.
You have a creepy kind of foreboding tone, which, whether intentional or not, i savour.
it seems strange that such a...dirty...poem should rhyme. No matter, i like it.
"I lick my plate
And meditate" won me over.
I would edit you, if you would swallow me.
Isn't that a Clint Eastwood movie?
Let me guess? Poetry is your passion outside of growing petunias.
An encounter with a bearded old man using noxema as lubrication?
Goerge Hamilton trying to get out of a tanning booth with a prehistoric saber toothed can opener?