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replying on joyriding by Bill Z Bub
15 Jan 2003, 10:11 PM
have you been carousing with tint?
<Bachus enters the room soaking wet, nick! there's a typhoon outside...shit...my equipments soaked..well have to wait for it to dry out for an hour or two before my interview..> [actually i have to go play for some quick cash, be back in two hours..do forgive me...i want this exclusive to be well.. perfect.]
"but yet we are all on are own" are should be our.
"We are together, but yet we are all on are own
The darkness calls through use of wind in the night like a savior coming
to heal our old wounds".
this mass of words should be combined and compressed more vertical into four together sentences like the other stanzas in your poem...and the rest is great have a 7..with corrections, i wouldn't be suprised to see this getting 8's and 9's and even a the rare 10. trust me.
Shit, i meant to include this one Mr. North Wind..can you forgive me?
And there you have it folks! a half an hour with Bill and Horus8, come see us next week, same time, same place....on "LETS COOK WITH SULPHUR" thanks for watching us...coming up next Bachus interviews Nicholas jones in an exlusive behind the scenes conversation with the famous welsh poet. See you there..thanks for tuning into the 'eye of horus' on poemranker's underground channel "Quaker". <brought to you by 'dismal glasses' the only way wear shades and 'fotohut' more than just thatch and 5 by 7 double prints>
Another favorite of mine. Fucking rad.
"what switch
in our alien hearts
makes us part?"
needs one more word
like 'today'
or jete'
crochet
j-bay
(just kidding on the last one)
or some down beat
otherwise a serious favorite of mine..i realize i've been
giving you votes in this run that will keep you from re-editing,
that's cool, i understand..these poems are really moving and
sculpted, and i don't blame you.
enjoy.
the 'slowly' might look more sexy next to the 'that' and there was a speed bump on the tongue somewhere in the middle. lots of fun though! you're a realy clever writer that tis for surely.
Real good!...can dusty be another word though...more...i don't know rare?
"
inside my head,
a quick intake of breath
on these
strange beds."
might flow better like
inside of my head,
a quick intake of breath
upon these
strange beds.
Sorry, i've been just missing you lately.9
CONCLUSION: BUY YOUR CLOTHES SOMEWHERE ELSE .
wicked, o man. Even the lord of the flies is revolted by these acts. wicked, o poet.
Even a useless shit like me can feel righteous anger. I may be mad, I may be blinded by sadness, but I love this.
Unfortunately I had to cut the ending off. But Fight Club is the beast! Great fuckin' movie.
I hereby declare 2003 to be the Year of the Pirate!
AAAarR, me mateys! Avast! Swab the poop deck! And something about Prawnes and Nudidity?
1) I love you.
2) Rank me!
3) You have made me a better writer. Thus, see 1).
I am a shameless vote-monger. Rank me! Rank me, DAMMIT!
Only one vote so far? Come on people, get out there and rock the poetryvote!
IMNSHO
this is one of the best things I have written. Ever.
But thats just me.
Good for you Mr H. Nice and slow, take your time.
The silver-tongued devil rolls 6, 6, 6 every time.
Too bad its just a meaningless number.