on Absolution by andrewjthomas
23 Aug 2004, 1:55 PM
A nicely told story. Might want to call it a Prose Poem.
replying on A Stitch In Time by Dovina
23 Aug 2004, 9:09 AM
Donât we try to make them work? The old habits, I mean â even if they arenât any good and werenât based on anything good to begin with. Thanks.
on Symphony of Despairs by Prince of Void
22 Aug 2004, 3:01 PM
Yes, such despair, deprivation, disilusionment and misconception. All is void of hope and any glimmer of happiness. Hey, might as well eat, drink and be merry.
replying on A Stitch In Time by Dovina
22 Aug 2004, 2:54 PM
Thank you, kind Prince.
replying on A Stitch In Time by Dovina
22 Aug 2004, 2:47 PM
On August 7, someone using IP 67.180.80.13, the same as you have been using, voted and anonymous 1 on my poem âLos Angeles.â Apparently it was someone else on the same computer. It doesnât matter, because I care a lot more about comments than about votes. Thanks for the encouraging, though cryptic, words.
on Inquietude by klosterfobik
22 Aug 2004, 11:23 AM
I would only shorten some of the phrases, otherwise great. For example:
narrowed to less than alone,
pulled beneath the ruin of was,
dropped upon the broken promise of forever -
a restless drunken dream
narrowed to less than alone,
pulled beneath the ruin of was,
dropped upon the broken promise of forever -
a restless drunken dream
replying on A Stitch In Time by Dovina
22 Aug 2004, 9:44 AM
Yes, thereâs far too much love. Weâve got to scrub most of it away to get a look at whatâs under it and what matters. "Into one from this afternoon" is better. Think Iâll use it.
on Dads are suppose to stay by Brandy_n_Cali
21 Aug 2004, 7:23 AM
The thought is good, but the poem could use more of the devices that attract someone unfamiliar with you and your subject. I often say that the spirit of a poem is more important than it's form, but here form is lacking. You've got the hard part, the rest is easy.
on Tonight At The Dead Man's Ball by dougsoderstrom
20 Aug 2004, 1:34 PM
Not bad, like a lyric, could be sung at the opening of the Republican convention.
on R.I.P (Epitaphs) by MacFrantic
20 Aug 2004, 10:35 AM
The first verse is great, says it all.
replying on My Pain For You by Enchantres
19 Aug 2004, 10:54 AM
I suppose what I'm trying to say is it's better in my opinion to describe suppose without using the word suppose. Again just my opinion.
replying on Fugitively Speaking by Dovina
19 Aug 2004, 10:51 AM
It's nice to be thought nice while cursed. Thanks, Wil.
replying on Q For Some Reason by MacFrantic
18 Aug 2004, 4:41 PM
cabernet savenoign. My spell checker's broke and my head itches, guess I'll scratch
on My Pain For You by Enchantres
18 Aug 2004, 4:35 PM
Not a single English error that I can see. Wish I could do as well in another language. A good message for poetry and probably comes through as such in your native tongue. English is a clumbsy thing.
on If time can not persuade, then one must goad. by SupremeDreamer
17 Aug 2004, 7:13 PM
Youâve got some complicated wording here. Maybe itâs a first draft, a verbose spilling. Some stuff could be cut/simplified to a better result, unless you have some underhanded urge to confuse. Sometimes I like to get a draft done, post it, keep my mind off it for a day then go back to it and revise. Iâm more critical and less attached that way. Ever feel like you haven't quite hit the mark you were shootin for? And the more you mess with a poem the more you see it cripple-like and dwarfed? Sometimes my poems get better in form as I tweak them, but worse in spirit, the law of sacrifice, or the law of political trading. Your poem has good lines and good images, but I have trouble following it.
on The Downfall of a Pagan Man by somemorepoetry
17 Aug 2004, 6:49 PM
I really like the analogies to a river, "like rivers flow downstream and fatten out at the mouth," for example. A long poem, flows well, interseting, but many will not take the time.
on Your Beautiful Silence by Enchantres
17 Aug 2004, 6:15 PM
I counted four spelling and grammar mistakes in the first verse. Yes, I'm a prude. But I also look at content and see a lot here, especially in the last two lines.