on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2007, 1:02 PM
A most enjoyable read, thank you. I might suggest that "Boom box in the sky" is rather cliché, but that's just my humble opinion.
on Strung Out On Sunlight by J.B. Manning
14 Mar 2007, 10:49 AM
I like it - the beginning is strong. I might suggest having a second look at the ending, as it left me wanting. Perhaps the last line isn't even necessary? Leaving the poem as you started, with a sense of disorientation (It's 3am on Monday / or maybe Thursday of next week) might be more effective.
Just a suggestion. Nice work either way.
Just a suggestion. Nice work either way.
on Grab Out For J. Christ! by Sing4Jesus!
14 Mar 2007, 11:43 AM
Your motives behind this poem are not clear to the reader, or at least not this one. There were times it seemed like a satire, especially in the fourth stanza, which unfortunately devolved into an exercise in Dr. Seuss wordplay. Other times your choice of language is deadly serious, leaving me confused.
I won't say 'horrendous' or 'shite' but I would suggest asking yourself why you wrote this poem. You must have had a goal in mind - don't hide it from the reader.
Take care.
I won't say 'horrendous' or 'shite' but I would suggest asking yourself why you wrote this poem. You must have had a goal in mind - don't hide it from the reader.
Take care.