on A Righteous Prayer by Dovina
23 Jun 2005, 11:29 PM
As a prayer it seems a little vague as to what is actually wanted.
on Drama by QuirkyWonder
23 Jun 2005, 11:31 PM
I would agree with Dovina
on some deleted poem
23 Jun 2005, 11:32 PM
I am sorry to say this made no sense to me at all.
on Passion by gothiclovepoetiss
23 Jun 2005, 11:35 PM
But it doesn't say anyhting that hasn't been said a thousand times before, and it offers nothing in the way of beautiful language or memorable structure.
on Family by Sunshine Conkey
23 Jun 2005, 11:42 PM
'common courtesy you use' transposed verbs are really a sign that the poet hasn't put in the required effort, as BWC said a few poems up, it makes one of Yoda think.
on A Father's Day Late by meek_little_braggart
23 Jun 2005, 11:45 PM
I would name it just a rhyme
if it were somehow one of mine.
if it were somehow one of mine.
on some deleted poem
24 Jun 2005, 11:13 PM
Amusing, but not poetry.
on some deleted poem
26 Jun 2005, 10:21 PM
natures should be Nature's, otherwise I tend to agree with rockmage, which is a litle worrying.
on some deleted poem
26 Jun 2005, 10:24 PM
Pretty awful was my first thought, a second read did not improve things.
on The Edge Of The World by kingfisher
26 Jun 2005, 10:27 PM
Prose yes, poem no, the language needs to be something extra for that.
on lost souls by aamir_trichy
22 Feb 2006, 4:39 AM
Personally I'd leave the whole thin out and try again.
on First Unborn Sun by Been Here Before
22 Feb 2006, 4:25 AM
A pleasant surprise to find this on my first look back, still it is marred by the iambic errors as noted.
"I cannot watch it because I won't pray" is not iambic pentametre, but
"I cannot watch because I will not pray" is, while admitting that it is your poem and not mine I fail to see how the 2nd line would detract from the message. It is true, that in longer poems, such as that which I just posted tthe iambic pentametre can become a soporific, but in a vilanelle or a sonnet, a part of the enjoyment of reading one is the fluidity of the construction.
Any way, nice work, but keep working on it.
"I cannot watch it because I won't pray" is not iambic pentametre, but
"I cannot watch because I will not pray" is, while admitting that it is your poem and not mine I fail to see how the 2nd line would detract from the message. It is true, that in longer poems, such as that which I just posted tthe iambic pentametre can become a soporific, but in a vilanelle or a sonnet, a part of the enjoyment of reading one is the fluidity of the construction.
Any way, nice work, but keep working on it.
on Just Desserts (for drnick) by ALChemy
22 Feb 2006, 4:34 AM
As a read it could be a bit smoother. At the moment its like walking across a sheet of ice that's braeking up, the bits are all disconnected but you can see how they would fit together.
on some deleted poem
22 Feb 2006, 4:35 AM
Sounds like teenage angst, which aught to be the title of a song.
on Pancakes by raven_the_poet
22 Feb 2006, 5:45 AM
Its nice to somebody is happy.
on Home is Where the Hate Is by raven_the_poet
22 Feb 2006, 5:47 AM
But where is the chorus??
on Winter Wonderland by raven_the_poet
22 Feb 2006, 5:51 AM
Light verse, such as this, is traditionally strong on rhyme and rhythm, which is what makes them stay in your head, while this has some rhyme it appears to have no rhythm at all which makes it less than it could be.
on some deleted poem
22 Feb 2006, 5:54 AM
Stanza 4 = the worst of them all.