on rules by roses are read
5 Dec 2002, 10:44 PM
That was exhausting. Get over it. Try some line breaks and ephedirene.
on sleep at 2:24 by blackball
5 Dec 2002, 10:36 PM
Typo darling.
on Our Love Was Meant to Be by MakenzieNy
5 Dec 2002, 9:43 PM
Don't tell, show. Pictures dear, that's the key, not feelings exposed but snapshots.
on The cowards way out by MakenzieNy
5 Dec 2002, 9:41 PM
Fuck, I am not sure it's that cowardly at all. My nephew killed himself, same as your fellow here, drugs and all. Jesus, you know, it really takes some balls. Besides that, your poem starts off very well and then kind of tapers off like a guttering wick. I would try and revise if I were you, though plainly I am not. I think if you tried replacing 'cowards way out' with something felt instead of believed you come to place so close it would hurt.
Good luck.
Good luck.
on The Dreamer by Nicholas Jones
5 Dec 2002, 1:27 PM
Redundant. Lacks emotional language, or better said, the emotion is lost, I can't explain. I want to believe the fear, feel it.
on Circled Numbered Madness by rick
5 Dec 2002, 1:23 PM
A few too many tics, and typos. Go through with the spell check.
replying on December once again by sunfloweronfire
5 Dec 2002, 1:16 PM
What on earth are you talking about? Annoying, teenage, hormonal? When did I use these words to discribe you? I made a comment, constructive at that. It would behoove you to take my advice, but no matter. By the way cast all the vengeful 0's on my poems as you like, the votes mean nothing to me. They only reflect what is difficult to express with words. If your poems come up in random and I feel like commenting I will. At that point you have 3 choices;
Take some good advice
Censor my comment straight off
Reply with an assinine hurt little girl whine
It is all up to you. My comment was well intended, and in fact quite accurate.
Take some good advice
Censor my comment straight off
Reply with an assinine hurt little girl whine
It is all up to you. My comment was well intended, and in fact quite accurate.
on December once again by sunfloweronfire
5 Dec 2002, 10:54 AM
Your poems seem to have a the black thread of hypocrisy running through them. You point out the weakness in others, which for me personally, is a big turn off. Righteous indignation is also hypocritical. Di you ever turn the magnifying glass on yourself, it burns but usually reveals more relevent and touching details.
on nothing, as today by <~>
4 Dec 2002, 12:55 PM
I don't know what the fuck you are talking about. No matter. This is but a glimpse I am certain.
on Rich and the wall by INTRANSIT
4 Dec 2002, 12:45 PM
And what did he find in the other side? Everything he hoped for, or just some stupid girl wearing out her heels from kicking the bricks? She's pretty though, isn't she? Now they'll have each other to tear at.
replying on she said by Bill Z Bub
4 Dec 2002, 12:34 PM
What's the girls name? I'm telling you if you put here name there it would work. there are so many good titles for this poem, only you know what's real, I think that's important. If you do revise this, which you should, you have received some good comments, try a different title. don't worry about losing your votes. Most rankers come back to the good ones and re-cast.
on she said by Bill Z Bub
3 Dec 2002, 2:23 PM
I like this poem very much, but feel the title gives to much away. Call it "Lessons" or "A Tutorial" or just the girl's name would be nice. Leave it a suprise, it's so short, that would give it more punch and bitter-sweetness.
on Left, Cold by Tibbs
2 Dec 2002, 1:55 PM
Now I'm sad. Good job. Is it 'breadth' or 'breath'? Strong ending.
I don't know what you're talking about, but it's pretty. what's 'scatching'? Thank you for the crows. Orange glow of radiations seems to weak for this piece. Could you say something like:
Radiations growing glow
Like an army of tangerines
Something like that. Not that. Something like it.
Radiations growing glow
Like an army of tangerines
Something like that. Not that. Something like it.
on two poles are better than one by <~>
2 Dec 2002, 8:03 AM
The last stanza's quite simple, which I think is rare for you. Perhaps everyones expecting you to be all business, and it's casual friday. It is a bit simple, but why not? I don't know, but I think if this stanza had been penned by some other, I would like it less. maybe it's just that I never get moody like that...
on this tuesday morning by teacup
1 Dec 2002, 9:18 AM
Is it 'but I know' or 'because I know' Change the last line.
on Waking Up by PawnedTidal
1 Dec 2002, 9:16 AM
i'm hip to your lies is a great line.
on I Fell From a Dream by x311
1 Dec 2002, 7:45 AM
Nice outline. Can you reduce it a bit? Find a new way to say things like "What a cruel joke..." "There is so much love..." these are the facts like my eyes or my hands; can you be more distinct? More personal?