poemranker ::Working at the Garden Market by jessicazee

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Free verse № 100318

Working at the Garden Market

by jessicazee

Member since 2002 · Posted 4 May 2004 · 9 comments

It is windy today Hats rolling down the sidewalk windy The greenhouses are noisy inside plastic flapping Sparrows combat rivals for nesting bits feathers in impatiens An old man wants to know “where are the wave toonys?” petunias, the striped kind Roses in rows gardening gloves onions sets in red and yellow The man wants “blaze marys” What are they? “They’re round like this” His fingers form an O I wish a bird would land on his hand Marigolds of course he follows me to the blooms next to sweet potato vine A hanging basket of tiny white daisies moves out of the way

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9 comments

[9] INTRANSIT 4-May-04/5:45 PM Reply
impatiens?
[8] Shuushin › INTRANSIT 4-May-04/6:24 PM Reply
"Any of various plants of the genus Impatiens, which includes the jewelweed."

-Or-

"A name formerly applied to several varieties of ulcerous cutaneous diseases, but now restricted to Lupus exedens, an ulcerative affection of the nose."

(would be nice to have seen some dual usage of the word, but it is a minor player in the piece)
[9] INTRANSIT › Shuushin 5-May-04/5:41 AM Reply
Normally, I'm not that lazy. Thanks.
[8] Shuushin › INTRANSIT 5-May-04/6:48 AM Reply
No worries, I just do that fairly naturally now; took all of eleven seconds.
[8] Shuushin 4-May-04/6:37 PM Reply
Title verb could give you a bit more use prolly.

"windy" twice in the first?

I'm going to go off on that first stanza some more, no abuse intended. Do you really need to *tell* me it's windy? I mean "hats rolling [down] the sidewalk" do that for you, right? Pretty much - "down" is weak to that end though, but easily replaced with maybe a simile. Can you do something with "Hats" - make it more real, less "movie-like"?

Figure all that out and apply to the other stanzas and it will help you with this pattern of saying "here is an event", then proceeding to describe the event; "They were yelling/words were loudly played about" kindof thing. The idea is to not need that first [telling] bit.

Btw, I didn't spend all these words because I think this sucks, in fact it has a refined feel, especially toward the end - but there is some noise making it difficult to appreciate fully.
[8] deleted user 4-May-04/6:48 PM Reply
It rings like a haiku, and maybe could be a haiku of many verses. Just a thought.
[9] horus8 4-May-04/7:53 PM Reply
I'm a hoe.
[8] Shuushin › horus8 4-May-04/8:56 PM Reply
LoL - a dirty, dirty hoe.
[n/a] jessicazee › Shuushin 5-May-04/6:27 PM Reply
Thanks for all the comments, everyone. This new job is so weird. Today I stocked all the new lawn gnomes.
BTW, any suggestions for titles?