poemranker ::Soldiers (Terzanelle) by Angeline

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Other № 103739

Soldiers (Terzanelle)

Member since 2004 · Posted 30 May 2004 · 2 comments

Is it very hot there? Do these people care Past flags and dollars, conference rooms In fortresses of fountain pens, chilled air? Beyond the silk-draped windows lie the tombs Of soldiers, lessons resting in the bone, Past flags and dollars, conference rooms. Are walls inscribed and figures made of stone, Rifles raised and years surveyed in wordless eyes Of soldiers, lessons resting in the bone While smiles reach out for honor like a prize, Fingers never feeling quiet cities, wind, birdcall, Rifles raised and years surveyed in wordless eyes. The clink of glass, ring of voices mask the fall, Leaves scraping cross the thaw and rock Fingers never feeling quiet cities, wind, birdcall. Leaves scraping cross the thaw and rock, Silenced by the ticking of the doomsday clock. Is it very hot there? Do these people care In fortresses of fountain pens, chilled air?

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2 comments

[10] Shuushin 31-May-04/6:24 AM Reply
A fairly rarely used form in these parts (maybe I posted one - I'll check after I write this); its a tough one.

It very easily passes the "dress wearing the girl/the girl wearing the dress" test and the rhymes are smoove.

did you miss the punctuation after bone on purpose? You might have.

I wonder if wordsmithing "very hot" would buy you anything (other than trading freshness for pretentiousness), you've been up and down that I suppose.
[n/a] Angeline 31-May-04/7:39 AM Reply
Thank you Shin Shuu for the comment and the suggestion on "very hot." I'll think about it and keep the idea, but get rid of "very," which is a blah word. I'm usually pretty good with editing my poems, but that one slipped by me. Good call.