poemranker ::Mm, Shoes... ? by fevriere

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Free verse № 107748

Mm, Shoes... ?

Member since 2004 · Posted 7 Jul 2004 · Edited 9 Jul 2004 · 7 comments

I creep in the shop, pigeon-toed, eyes bird-narrow and voided like black beads, you see, and my hand floats onto the halfmoon, floats like powdered dust. There's nothing much to look at; nothing much and riches only glitter once in fall.. If at all. Sadly, drifting homewardly I see I am freckled and pied, more cushion-curved than gypsy chic So I thieve the colours of the night-butterfly, the insipid taste of eye-candy. I am raw sugarcane for the eyes. I am a day-moth, who floats for a moment in the air, like the eye-shadow motes palely-bright that glisten, that sink slowly, that are barely air-resisting, insubstantial in flight.

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mean 5.00 weighted 5.00 rank 7822 views 179 View voting details →

4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

7 comments

[8] richa 8-Jul-04/4:41 AM Reply
A bit heavy in adjectives especially the opening line.
Could do with a bit more happening with them e.g my pidgeon toes creep..., my bird-narrow eyes watch... etc.

From line four onwards this is pretty good.
[n/a] deleted user 8-Jul-04/9:04 AM Reply
INSIPID Full of the pale rousing breaths of morning.
[n/a] fevriere › deleted user 9-Jul-04/2:09 PM Reply
O,
bugger off.
[7] Dovina 8-Jul-04/10:28 AM Reply
"I am raw sugarcane for the eyes," is a great line. If only the others were. Line 2 is a question mark.
[n/a] fevriere › Dovina 9-Jul-04/2:10 PM Reply
Yes, I suppose so.
[5] ?-Dave_Mysterious-? 9-Jul-04/4:07 PM Reply
The title promises shoes, but the poem only disappoints. To me, there is nothing more erotic than a cardboard box full of sweaty trainers.
[7] Dovina 9-Jul-04/4:13 PM Reply
Not much better on rewrite. What really are you trying to say?