DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Archivist of Emotion

Member since 2004 · Posted 14 Oct 2004 · 8 comments

Past contradictions reflect from her shaking body, and you think her laugh is at your joke. A thirty-year-old word has spawned that frown, and you think it was your fault. If her broad smile lightens your load, be careful, my friend. She remembers one from long ago and has you mistaken. Her present is old, her past is present. You are but a substitute, an illumined image.

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8 comments

[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom 14-Oct-04/5:24 PM Reply

illumined? Its nice writing but it sounds a little forced.

<3 Jason

[n/a] Dovina › thepinkbunnyofdoom 14-Oct-04/5:28 PM Reply

Illumined means illuminated. How is it forced?

[8] thepinkbunnyofdoom › Dovina 14-Oct-04/6:35 PM Reply

Like the imagines are missing links by slight misuses of syntax.

[9] Dan garcia-Black 14-Oct-04/7:27 PM Reply

Lose the 'but' in line 15. The object of the poem must know what's up by line 11. Why beat him down further with your but?

[n/a] Dovina › Dan garcia-Black 14-Oct-04/7:42 PM Reply

I might just end with line 11, might be stronger for being smaller. What's so good about big?

[9] Dan garcia-Black › Dovina 15-Oct-04/8:09 AM Reply

If her broad smile lightens your load,
be careful, my friend.
She remembers one from long ago.
You are but a substitute.

Maybe.
Smaller is good. Diamonds are small (Even the big ones). B-ig T-houghts in S-mall P-ackages are better than diamonds. I think 'Schisms' is a BTSP. Ergo 'Big.'

[n/a] Dovina › Dan garcia-Black 15-Oct-04/10:48 AM Reply

Yes, I think that's better, and am even more happy to know that my but is not so big after all.

[9] Rollsoftoiletpaper 16-Oct-04/7:55 PM Reply

Hah, I like the title most of all. -9-