poemranker ::spiritually driven by Crakyamuni

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Free verse № 118120

spiritually driven

by Crakyamuni

Member since 2002 · Posted 9 Jan 2005 · 2 comments

Flawed but fundamental, partners in peace I sense the seething of a more covert beast Dystopia in style paper tigers for blessing How will we package the JUJU were pressing? My eyes,general, are being obstructed This uneven pupil can sense that we mucked it These words will not reach them, time will not heal them But the love they have gathered will invite you to steal them Together we loot hope,death, and wealth Fuck the old gaurd of Northrop,401k, and stealth Break em, shake em, and fuck em real good make love to your point scale, like a good demon should Bear us your dark heart, in all it's injustice we'll sing the sad songs of the dead and combusted Dance with me general, dance like you care and we'll demolish the good things and pretend we're not there

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mean 3.50 weighted 4.93 rank 9173 views 193 View voting details →

2 votes so far. Yours would make 3.2 votes so far

2 comments

[n/a] Crakyamuni 10-Jan-05/12:42 PM Reply
can i get a vote ? Throw me a fuckin bone here.
[7] Shuushin 11-Jan-05/10:42 AM Reply
I like the language, but it's plagued a little by some grammar/syntax issues and it looses something with concessions to rhyme and format. Easily fixed all, I think.

Starts with "fundamental" - I want it to be "fundamentally" but it could really be that you meant it as "fundamental" - EXCept then I see the "were" which certainly should be "we're", the the un-need "being" in "being constructed", some extra commas and I come to "together we loot", "[together we] death" so I start to doubt the correctness of "fundamental" all the more.

I'd like to see a version without all the indentations since it tends to be a distraction if the thing isn't *perfectly clear* to begin with.

The last seven lines are nice and clean, a little messy just above it (the stealth line seems very forced for ("wealth")).

Pretty close, pretty close.