poemranker ::Feudal Conflict by Dovina

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Free verse № 118891

Feudal Conflict

by Dovina

Member since 2004 · Posted 24 Jan 2005 · 15 comments

On a checkerboard of days and nights, Lined and rowed and numbered, Pieces move about and joust, Capture, slay, and mate. A gallant knight, you charge ahead, Then abruptly turn to challenge. My pawn and queenliness Held forked and fated, Not both can possibly escape. You can have the pawn if you’re so blind. Strike it down, then gasp while a queen smiles sassy at your king. In check, you call a bishop, Then she slays your holy man. Next time you’ll look beyond, forgo the easy threat, Leave the vulnerable pawn, And protect yourself instead For you, my friend, have felt the heated eye Of an insulted queen.

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mean 7.63 weighted 5.71 rank 1941 views 353 View voting details →

8 votes so far. Yours would make 9.8 votes so far

15 comments

[10] Dan garcia-Black 24-Jan-05/4:29 PM Reply
Gee Dovina, around L.A. the queens slay as they lay with their own holey men.
[n/a] Dovina › Dan garcia-Black 25-Jan-05/10:09 AM Reply
I was afraid someone would take the word "queen" in this way. Must it be you, O friend Brutus? You see, chess is a very old game, mayby oder even than the "queens" you speak of, though I doubt it, Greeks being as they were and all.
[10] Dan garcia-Black › Dovina 25-Jan-05/3:28 PM Reply
D, did you mean maybe odor or maybly older? Chess is much odr than the Geeks. I always thought it was an Arabic or Persian game.
[9] Shuushin › Dan garcia-Black 25-Jan-05/3:34 PM Reply
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Origins_of_chess

or, http://tinyurl.com/498vh

Short answer - nobody knows for sure.
[10] Dan garcia-Black › Shuushin 25-Jan-05/7:35 PM Reply
Good info. But when my cousin, Gaston, taught me to play chess 50 years ago, he Told me it was the Persians (Sinbad the Sailor people) who invented chess. Of course, he was the one who told me that there was a kid-eating monster living in the hall closet (close to the restroom)that ate children when they wandered out of their room at night. Needless to say, I got very good at holding my water 'til morning (most of the time).
[8] wilco 24-Jan-05/7:07 PM Reply
Is this about chess...or about "the look"? If it's about chess, then I'm bored....if it's about "the look" then I'm scared.
[n/a] Dovina › wilco 25-Jan-05/10:11 AM Reply
I am afraid you are bored, because it is about chess. It is also about a relationship I don't know what you mean by "the look" or why that would make you scared.
[9] Shuushin 24-Jan-05/7:10 PM Reply
I think you got word-heavy on this one, D - but I agree, it is a little ominous.
[n/a] Dovina › Shuushin 25-Jan-05/10:13 AM Reply
I'd like to hear what "word-heavy" means to you here. You must realize that I wanted to keep the chess images flowing and certain words are needed for that.
[9] Shuushin › Dovina 25-Jan-05/10:37 AM Reply
Please don't take it too harshly - let's see, I felt on the first read that there were too many prepositions and too many conjunctions (thens, ands), and a couple extra modifiers - but after getting a little more familiar with it I think maybe you could hack out 2 if that (L1:on, comma after "slay", L6:"then", "vulnerable" *or* "pawn" (if "vulnerable" then maybe a shorter synonym)).

I do like the repeated "ands" in L2, because of the alliteration with the ending "d" sound (every word).

What has added to my first impression is the capitalization, and the commas that precede them; highlights to ill effect.

I don't know if it was you intention to capitalize every first letter on every line, but it isn't consistant.

Still, a good story - and a nine.
[n/a] Dovina › Shuushin 25-Jan-05/10:47 AM Reply
Thanks for the explanation. Some good points there. The caps are inconsistant, and I might make them all caps in keeping with Feudal tradition. I'll take a hard look at the rest. thanks.
[8] patty t 24-Jan-05/8:02 PM Reply
title: "Prima donna." I'd give that a 9.
[n/a] Dovina › patty t 25-Jan-05/10:14 AM Reply
Not a bad title. She is a bit feisty.
[10] jroday › Dovina 26-Jan-05/2:10 AM Reply
Feisty indeed is she.checkmate! 10
[n/a] Dovina › jroday 26-Jan-05/10:17 AM Reply
Thanks, J. You would not want to tangle with her. The best advice I can offer is buy her expensive gifts and treat her like a lady.