Last Time

Member since 2005 · Posted 25 Feb 2005 · 3 comments

I'd give anything to see him one last time And revel in his presence Just one more hug One last kiss I want to see in his eyes that he no longer cares I want to feel it in his embrace; in his kiss I want to feel his heat beat out of sync with mine Then I will know Then I can go on with no more doubts that we made a mistake.

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4 votes so far. Yours would make 5.4 votes so far

3 comments

[1] INTRANSIT 26-Feb-05/6:28 AM Reply

A: Heat? Heart-line 7

B: We already have a pinkfluffybunnyrabbitofdoom. no kidding.

C: You're 21. I hope you've had some life experiences by now that you can tap into. This poem is too simple.

D: Case in point, line 3 rewrite: All I see in his eyes is a reflection of myself. OR His blue m and m eyes with ms' too large to see through.
Telling vs showing. look around for an image. Read everything. Everything!!! My motorcycle pants are called barrier pants. I saw the label as I was sitting on the toilet. I may use this in apoem some time. Again, Read EVERYTHING! billboards magazines pillbottle labels. There are images and poetic symbols and stuff all over the place. We don't just think out of the box at p/r. We shredded our boxes then burned them and used the ashed to feed our Begonias. Poetry isn't just about feelings, it's about finding NEW ways to express what we feel. Be creative. Be absurd Go nuts.

[n/a] DevilBuni › INTRANSIT 28-Feb-05/10:42 AM Reply

I understand and thank you for your comment...just one thing doesnt make sense to me.

Part B: wtf does this have to do with me? Are you saying you have a problem with my nick? Please refrain from commenting my handle and stick to the poetry.

[7] Dovina 26-Feb-05/6:58 AM Reply

You must forgive INTRANSIT. He drives long hours in a semi on coffee. Don't get me wrong, his suggestions are good, and you'd do well to pay attention. But overall, you've got a good theme here.