DetailsThe poem, its numbers, and the conversation.

Baggage (3rd ending)

Member since 2002 · Posted 20 Apr 2005 · Edited 7 Sep 2007 · 17 comments

Such unfortunate things are carried in the genes. A switchblade A ring of unused keys A spare umbilical cord A jolly roger A cat's eye A rabbit's ear A doorknob that came off in the hand. Screaming D.N.A and too many why chromosomes speech impediments extra fingers knees full of arthritis.

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17 comments

[9] Dovina 20-Apr-05/7:58 AM Reply

I like the crosses: genes/jeans, baggage/DNA. Think it would sound less didactic and more homely if you replaced all the "we"'s with "I" or Jonney or the new pope, zodiac, whatever.

[9] Caducus 20-Apr-05/8:28 AM Reply

Would slap me sideways with a briefer last line.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Caducus 21-Apr-05/3:19 PM Reply

There! Are you two goons happy? The closer was a bit long, wunnit.

[9] Caducus 20-Apr-05/8:28 AM Reply

drop the - 'on what we' that'll help for starters

[n/a] edpeterson 21-Apr-05/7:07 PM Reply

I must assume that the misspellings are intentional? and the misplaced apostrophes?

the final stanza (paragraph) is unwieldy, and the metaphor a bit cute, but I think it works okay, and the interior images (if that makes any fucking sense) are really good.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › edpeterson 22-Apr-05/6:28 AM Reply

Did you see the old ending? It was 5.5 lines long. I've always had an apostophe problem. lol. But misspellings? Thanks for your time E.P. 'Preciate ya driver!

[n/a] edpeterson › INTRANSIT 22-Apr-05/6:55 PM Reply

umbilical. cat's, rabbit's

[10] Christof 22-Apr-05/2:19 AM Reply

Really good stuff. I like the 'why chromosomes' pun. This short and sharp. Top marks, my friend.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Christof 22-Apr-05/6:31 AM Reply

Thanks Christof. Poetry is hard. I like it when I get a little closer to the "target". No problems with Edwards crits? I always consider all comments. Sometimes to my own detriment. lol.
Got a villanelle coming later today. Glad to see you again!

[n/a] Settle 15-May-05/8:16 PM Reply

Too precious

[8] deleted user 16-May-05/4:34 AM Reply

Wow. Except for the last line where you loose me.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › deleted user 16-May-05/5:45 AM Reply

Hint: Jeans/Genes

[9] Dovina › INTRANSIT 16-May-05/12:59 PM Reply

I like the genes/jeans thing, but why use such a medical term in the last line when stiff or grating would do? I think that is the question.

[n/a] INTRANSIT › Dovina 16-May-05/1:04 PM Reply

I looked for " lock-knee" Ankylosing was the closest I could find. I think this IS the ending the poem needs.

[10] zodiac › INTRANSIT 17-May-05/5:57 AM Reply

I think it's a simply wonderful word. Really.

[10] zodiac 17-May-05/5:54 AM Reply

'genes' should be 'jeans' or 'them'.

[9] SupremeDreamer 10-Sep-07/2:10 PM Reply

Humorous.