Free verse № 124153
Returning
Embers of burned out nights
still glow between us
while old dust gathers 'round our feet
years since I danced with you
in that young ballroom
tonight so pensive, philosophical
that room seems a former life
Back hurting, heart recluse
it's a matter of indifference
reincarnation, I think
to a lesser karma
Hospital visits replace bedroom visits
expensive restaurants for sack lunches
It's not that I've given up on love
it's just another kind â
less passionate, more soulish
happy with someone who's done the miles
opened his once-closed mind
and might even, before its too late
his heart too
20 comments
I enjoyed the first stanza very much.The rest wasn't bad, ...
may i have knocked the door of ageless heaven for thounsands
may i have kissed the princess in the dark gothic castle
may i have reached enlightenment for once i have heared the name
may i have known you
may i have been in othersied and opened the secert of creation
all these" mays " will be expreinced soon
and return to this time that i cant be sure of those "mays"
finaly when will i return to myself ...myself i mean the love
this is my ultimate returnig ..returning to the love
may I have knocked the door of ageless heaven for thousands
may I have kissed the princess in the dark gothic castle
may I have reached enlightenment for once I have heard the name
may I have known you
may I have been in other side and opened the secret of creation
all these" Mays " will be experienced soon
and return to this time that I cant be sure of those "Mays"
finally when will I return to myself ...myself I mean the love
this is my ultimate returning ..Returning to the love
"There are all kinds of love in the world, but never the same love twice." - F Scott Fitzgerald, 'The Sensible Thing'
I feel like I've asked you to do something I can't myself, so here goes: My best post is the hall-key one; after that, the greyhound bus one. My best moments are, in this order, rhyming penguin/being one in "A Dangling Poo", rhyming Violet/twilit/pilot/while it/and islet in "Ballad for a Bad Irish Accent", and making it through two poems without contradicting myself a half-dozen times.
PS-Sorry for saying you're only pithy and 10-giving.
Here's my silly thing: I thought we were entering some new period of getting along. Oops.
As for your comment, yes, of course we have different criteria for judging goodness (though not as different as you think.) But the question was, which do YOU think is your best? Not which do I think. I obviously think this one is your best. I believe I've already said so.
So, again, because I'm really curious and want to understand you, which of your poems do you think is your best?
And incidentally, not contradicting yourself has everything to do with content and nothing to do with form. Please note that the poems I picked as my best are my least formal and most content-filled. The contradictory poems I was referring to are the most formal. If I were required to pick between content and form, I'd pick content any day. Luckily, I'm not usually required to because most good poems are good in both respects. If you think, what a load of crap, zodiac always criticizes form and never content - well, first you're wrong. If you don't believe me, take a look at my comments on "Middle-Aged White Woman", for one. I comment on the content of your poems easily as much as I comment on their form.
This despite that, truth be told, I'm a little uneasy about criticizing the "content" of most people's poemranker posts. Is pain really pleasure? Are hobos worse than salesmen? Is God really a great bearded beard-mount? Who knows? And how the hell do you criticize that? Oh, right. Like you do, with a pithy bit of summarization and a 10. In all honesty, I believe a poet can get away with saying most anything if he says it well. If he doesn't, it's still easier to let him know the poem doesn't work by way of criticizing his formal mistakes than by criticizing his content mistakes. So I take the easy way out -so what? I still comment more substantively than any other poemranker user.
Thanks,
zodiac
PS-I think this is your best poem for both its formal and content-oriented elements. Check and mate.
My favorite of my poems is usually the most recent, unless the recent one is intintionally silly or retribution or parody or some such. I write several poems in an average week, and usually the one I post after the obligatory two-day wait is the most recent. "Racism" is currently my favorite.
A poem can be self-contradictory and still a good poem. Matters of belief and emotion often conflict with logic and often work better when they do. I rate a poem most highly when it settles as true on some level, and even higher if its truth is well presented.
"Check and mate" is so self-congratultory an arogant, a reversal to what I have learned to expect.
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