Pimple № 124338

Next time

Member since 2003 · Posted 3 May 2005 · Edited 3 May 2005 · 3 comments

It's the fourth of July Fireworks are going off In the night sky And you're lying here next to me The fireflies have no clue What's going on overhead The sky burst Blue, Green, Yellow, Red A rivalry runs through this town tonight Cutting across the alleys and back streets A whisper spreading like wildfire; treason The queen will hang tonight Long live the king Head hung low celebration sings The return of the king Watched die, arisen again This was his coffin I watched them lower the casket The head stone still reads two dates Will they just add a third Next time?

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5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

3 comments

[10] jessicazee 3-May-05/2:29 PM Reply

The second stanza rocks my world, a cliche, I know, but really, very very good. Maybe de-mystify the third stanza for us underlings, and also revise to lowercase the beginnings of lines that permit it. 9.6

[9] Ranger 3-May-05/2:29 PM Reply

Im surprised you classed this as a pimple - its far better than that, and the mere utterance of said spotty poetry turns a lot of people here off. 9

[n/a] thepinkbunnyofdoom › Ranger 3-May-05/2:29 PM Reply

It's classified as a pimple, because the Idea's are Cliche as hell. Plus it's not finished. It still needs a verse or two. The second is strong but doesn't lead clearly into the third. Besides, I don't think I've seen an actually bad poem labeled pimple. It's freeverses I worry about.

<3 Jason