poemranker ::Talia Eternal by Enkidu

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Free verse № 125062

Talia Eternal

by Enkidu

Member since 2004 · Posted 19 May 2005 · 11 comments

Of late her temper, Flaring alike to mortal rage Is slaked by birds of down Which flutter beside her And give brief comfort The cobalt shadows cast Talia in the palest light While she disapproves the daring, Wild dance of sunny morning About her person Alone She stands alone Her eyes closed to A swift and swollen reality Robbed painfully of darkness Alas! Talia Vampiress no more

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mean 2.67 weighted 4.72 rank 11906 views 211 View voting details →

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11 comments

[n/a] Alizarin_Crimson 19-May-05/1:43 PM Reply
"slake" is not a good word to use there. Also, get rid of "About her person." I'd try, "About her body" or something else. And I plain just don't understand the part about being "robbed painfully of darkness" that only makes sense to a vampire. It needs a little explaining, for the rest of us.
[n/a] Enkidu › Alizarin_Crimson 19-May-05/5:00 PM Reply
Slake is a wonderful word to use because it describes how her temper was moderated. Secondly, "about her person" effectively illustrates that she is not yet being harmed by the sun's rays. They are not, in fact, touching her true body.

Of course this only makes sense to a vampire! She IS one!
If you can't understand that, then read the poem you dolt.

[n/a] Alizarin_Crimson › Enkidu 20-May-05/12:26 PM Reply
Why do you have to be so nasty? I was not in any way rude to you in my criticism, I was trying to help. Why are you putting up poetry if you don't want an honest opinion about it? I'll give you an honest opinion. I don't give a fuck about your stupid little vampire brat, she can go fuck herself with a three-foot stake. Your word usage is painfully pretentious, I'm trying to help you see that so people can understand the meaning of your poetry without vomiting. The word slake suggests something liquid, and birds of down cannot conceivably do that. So you could use another word, such as "eased" . Have you tried cracking open a dictionary every once in a while? Shit, man....
[n/a] Enkidu › Alizarin_Crimson 20-May-05/1:01 PM Reply
If my comment was considerably "nasty", then you have some serious reality to wake up to. If anything was particularly bullish and outstanding, it was the comment that is presently being responded to. If you knew what the word slake truly meant then you would realize it has nothing to do with liquid in the context of my poem, which utilizes its alternate meaning quite well. If you have to pick up a dictionary while you are writing YOUR poetry, then I suggest that you put down your finger paints and use words that you have actual knowledge of. I bet you use a thesaurus as well...you intolerable, mindstarving, study-case shell of a poet.
[n/a] zodiac › Alizarin_Crimson 27-May-05/2:27 AM Reply
This is my favorite comment on poemranker lately.
[2] INTRANSIT 19-May-05/6:56 PM Reply
I can't get over -birds of down-. Incredible.
[n/a] Alizarin_Crimson 20-May-05/1:53 PM Reply
I DO know what slake means. I think you have used it poorly here. I know exactly what I am doing with my language, thank you. Read the scores. This one sucks (and I didn't even vote on it)!
[n/a] Enkidu › Alizarin_Crimson 20-May-05/6:01 PM Reply
I hate to spoil your disillusioned fantasy, but the scores on this site do not always accurately reflect the quality or lack of quality of most of these poems.
[n/a] deleted user › Alizarin_Crimson 20-May-05/7:20 PM Reply
I found out that 'slake' also means, what we call, 'squelched chalk'. It seems that raw chalk is agressive, like sulfuric acid, and there's a process to neutralize it. I'm interested to know what place it has in the poem, because I couldn't find what 'birds of down' stands for.
[n/a] Enkidu › deleted user 20-May-05/9:51 PM Reply
Well, "down" is another word for the soft feathers of a bird's plumage. "Slake" is used to describe how these birds calmed Talia's temper. I reluctantly looked in a dictionary and came up with: "To lessen the force or activity of"
[n/a] deleted user › Enkidu 21-May-05/11:13 AM Reply
Hmm...I wouldn't say that this one sucks but the choice of soft birds is not strong. The reference to Talia's need for darkness is a good one. Why not replace the downy birds for something that is more in line with vampires? It doesn't have to turn into a cliché (like mine, but I also wrote a few vampire poems that are quite unorthodox, I'll try to translate them. I love the subject) and if you go careful about it you can still hide her true nature untill the end. Because that's what you obviously wanted.